You breathed out slowly
than a sigh.
And as you did you wondered why
I don’t know why you like me, you said
But it wasn’t a question.
it was a statement. (A feeling of regret?
Did you think you were breaking my heart? You weren’t. I’d need to have one for that.)
Would you rather I didn’t? I replied, thinking you wanted to end that non-thing we had.
No. (You stop. Whisper, softer, again.)
I just know it will evaporate one day and I need to not rely on it.
You’ve said more since about friends and other lovers (not that I count myself as such)
who were there, then weren’t, or weren’t enough or, probably, just couldn’t be bothered
But it was all too late
I’d breathed you in
and haven’t breathed out since.
So now I pretend that we’re just friends
with nothing to convince
as we scramble round the edges of half-made thoughts and silent glances.
You’re complicated. You’ve said. I know. It doesn’t scare me.
But love does. Love hurts. (Apparently.) And you’re the first I’ve found who might, maybe be able to break me.
So I’ll hold this breath for as long as I can and you’ll have to leave me, not the other way around (but you’ll like that too, I know full well.)
I’m not going anywhere, no matter how hard you make it, too bad, so sad. (Ssshhhh. Don’t make a sound.)
And in the end when I finally breathe you out (turns out I do have a heart)
that last exhale
2 December 2011