Music Monday | It’s OK – Nightbirde

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If you haven’t seen Nightbirde’s golden buzzer performance of this song on America’s Got Talent, are you even on social media??

A couple of weeks ago (yes, it’s taken me this long to make time to post) I overheard G listening to something on his phone in another room. I wasn’t able to make out the words, just a soft melodic voice floating into the kitchen from the lounge room, and as I walked in to where he was sitting to find out who it was, all I could hear was “it’s ok, it’s ok, it’s ok, it’s ok if you’re lost, we’re all a little lost and it’s alright…”

Later that night, I googled it for myself and sat in bed listening to the voice of someone still battling cancer telling me that it was alright.

When G was first diagnosed with a rare and aggressive lymphoma last year, I spent hours telling other people that bad things happen to good people and that there is no rhyme or reason as to why some people develop cancer; one in two men will develop some type of cancer in their lifetime, as will one in three women. All the while, I was running through a list in my head of all the possible ways I was responsible for his cancer–everything from physical (I must have weakened his immune system by giving him HIV even though I don’t have HIV), to spiritual (God is punishing me for not believing in God anymore), to psychological (if I don’t perform certain rituals and compulsions then bad things happen to people I care about).

Being responsible for it meant that it was possible that I could resolve it, fix it–maybe–or at the very least, I was to blame–and that life wasn’t as uncertain as it felt when the outcome of this disease was entirely out of my hands. It’s not that I’m a doctor. I just feel like I should be able to fix everything for those I love. Because although G was the one with cancer, he wasn’t the only one impacted.

In Nightbirde’s AGT introduction, when she explains she still has cancer in her lungs, liver and spine, one of the judges says “oh, so you’re not ok?” and she replies “not in every way, no.” And then she says the thing I’ve spent the last year trying to teach and learn at the same time…

“It’s important that everyone knows I’m so much more than the bad things that happen to me.”

Music Monday | Run The World (Girls) – Beyoncé

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It’s International Women’s Day 2021. And while this song seems like an appropriate feel-good anthem for today, in Australia, this IWD comes on heels of several weeks of rape allegations and sexual assault reports within the Australian Parliament. But why not there? They occur in every other type of workplace. In every school. And in many homes.

I am too tired for rage this year. I have been angry about the misogyny and sexism that is rampant in my daily life for more than thirty years. And I am so very tired. So this song is more aspirational than it is accurate. But you never know, maybe one day.

I am not tired enough to keep fighting, though. To keep exposing sexism and misogyny for what it is, where it is, when it occurs. And to keep expanding my understanding of other people’s experiences. So if you want some great books to read by brilliant Australian/Australian-based women, here are a few of my faves for you to choose from. And if you can, please buy from your local indie bookstore.

Fight Like a Girl – Clementine Ford
This is What a Feminist Looks Like – Emily Maguire
Eggshell Skull – Bri Lee
The Fictional Woman – Tara Moss
Not Just Lucky – Jamila Rizvi
See What You Made Me Do – Jess Hill
Happy Never After – Jill Stark
Woman of Substances – Jenny Valentish
Your Own Kind of Girl – Clare Bowditch
and a special international mention from one of my best reads of 2020…
Know My Name – Chanel Miller

Music Monday | World Spins Madly On – The Weepies

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We spent today in Melbourne for an appointment with the infectious diseases specialist who is treating G’s hip infection, for blood tests, x-rays and an MRI. We will get those results next week.

I am tired. It takes about 12-14 hours a day to do everything I need to do to care for G and get all the jobs done around the house. And that’s when other people aren’t making extra work for me.

It feels like others are able to just go about their normal lives. Australia is largely protected from the worst of the pandemic and these days, restrictions are relatively relaxed. People are moving about and moving on with their lives. And I am standing still.

I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I’m standing still

Music Monday | Blinding Lights – The Weeknd

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While watching the Australian Open this last week, they played a short clip of The Weeknd’s Blinding Lights as they cut to an ad break. Both G and I started singing and continued even as the ads began to play.

“This song is addictive,” I said as we arrived at a place where we no longer knew the words. I googled it and brought it up on YouTube. “I can’t explain it but it gives me the same feeling as Robert Miles’ Children and Darude’s Sandstorm. It’s compulsive. As soon as I hear it, I have to play it on repeat until the feeling subsides. Do you know what I mean?”

We tumbled down a rabbit hole of 80s synth and 90s dream trance as we tried to find other songs that filled us with the same feeling. I still don’t know what it is about the composition that makes this music so compelling to me, I just know it floods me with memories I’m not sure I have–flashbacks of nights in clubs, dancing like I’m the only one on the floor, laughing with dates in coffee shops, screaming as I ride rollercoasters at Disneyland for the fifteenth time that day, having friends in my 20s, being liked by people; a life I only imagine.

Which isn’t to say I didn’t have friends, I didn’t go dancing and I didn’t ride rollercoasters–but there is something in this music that drives a nostalgia I cannot name. And I wouldn’t want to. It’s enough just to feel it.

Music Monday | Punching In A Dream – The Naked and Famous

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For some reason, YouTube seems to be showing me a flashback of my playlist in 2010 as I search for music tonight. It’s almost impossible to fathom that eleven years have passed since I changed the course of my life. In early 2010, I began treatment for an eating disorder that had comforted me on and off for almost fifteen years. I left a marriage that was nominal only; my husband far more interested in women inside his computer. I had no idea what I was doing. And I was so ill, there was no guarantee I’d live to see the end of the year. So eleven years feels like some sort of achievement.

In December last year, I hit a personal record for the longest time living in the same house. At the end of May this year, I’ll reach another milestone–seven years with my beloved–and not one “break” or break-up. These things may seem trivial but when our future–indeed, our present–has felt as precarious as it has in the last eight months, they are my touchstones. So tonight I’m remembering the woman from 2010 who was brave enough to seek help, brave enough to leave, and brave enough to live. And I’m saying thank you. These songs are for you.

Songwriters: Aaron Short / Alisa Xayalith / Thom Powers
Punching in a Dream lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

And, a bonus song!

Songwriters: Aaron Short / Alisa Xayalith / Thom Powers
Young Blood lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

OK, two bonus songs!

Songwriters: Oliver Sim / Baria Qureshi / Jamie Smith / Romy Croft
Crystalised lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Ltd., Universal-polygrm Intl Pub Obo Universal Music Pub. Ltd.

Music Monday | To Build A Home – The Cinematic Orchestra (ft. Patrick Watson)

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We are home.

After seven seemingly endless months, we are finally home.

Together.

There is a house built out of stone
Wooden floors, walls and window sills
Tables and chairs worn by all of the dust
This is a place where I don’t feel alone
This is a place where I feel at home

‘Cause, I built a home
For you
For me

Until it disappeared
From me
From you

And now, it’s time to leave and turn to dust

Out in the garden where we planted the seeds
There is a tree as old as me
Branches were sewn by the colour of green
Ground had arose and passed it’s knees

By the cracks of the skin I climbed to the top
I climbed the tree to see the world
When the gusts came around to blow me down
I held on as tightly as you held onto me
I held on as tightly as you held onto me

And, I built a home
For you
For me

Songwriters: Jason Angus Stoddart Swinscoe / Patrick Watson / Philip Jonathan France / Stella Page
 
To Build a Home lyrics © Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., Intrigue Music, LLC

Music Monday | The Final Countdown – Europe

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We’re leavin’ together
But still it’s farewell

Tomorrow, it will be six months since I took G to the hospital for strange stroke-like symptoms. We didn’t know, that night, that it would be months before he’d leave a hospital again. We didn’t know that we’d have to relocate our lives, in the middle of a pandemic, to the covid capital of Australia for his cancer treatment. We didn’t know it would be more than half the year–in fact, into a whole new year–before we’d be back to our home.

And maybe we’ll come back
To Earth, who can tell?
I guess there is no one to blame

And, while we are on the final countdown to going back later this week or next week, we are are still another six months from the end of rehab. Tomorrow, he has a total hip replacement; osteonecrosis, cartilage destruction, and collapse of the femoral head the result of a joint infection after his second round of chemo. And then, the real work begins.

We’re leaving ground (leaving ground)
Will things ever be the same again?
It’s the final countdown
The final countdown